• Wow, that well was pretty deep

    Posted on February 12, 2017 by in Uncategorized

    Day 2 and 3.  Not bad in retrospect.  But actually, it was kind of tough. Tough in that it’s unbelievable how much time I spend thinking about food.  I’m amazed at how much time I spend just sitting, and eating.  I’m amazed at how much power the idea of eating, or not eating has over me.  I’m amazed at the emotional responses I went through these past 2 days.  Saturday (day 2) was difficult in that I had a party to attend.  At first, I didn’t think much of it, recalling my days when I was pregnant and hit a party or two.  I was completely content to just sit and drink water.  

    Not so much these days… People notice when you don’t have a plate at a table.  They notice and then want to enter into a conversation with you.  They want to find out why you are not eating.  It’s kind of funny actually.  I in particular did not want to draw attention to my new venture.  I’ve got so many emotions still at bay, that I just wasn’t ready to talk about it socially.  I figured I could just get a plate and push my food around it a randomly (I heard some-where that models did that). I don’t believe I was fooling anyone ‘tho.  I had 3 people ask me if I was cleansing, or what-not.  Funny…. Anyway, I said yes, that I wasn’t drinking alcohol and doing a “whole 30” of sorts.  

    Day 3 came and I woke up feeling relatively ok.  But a chance remark from my beloved sent me down a very sad and dark spiral of emotion.  Being overweight, being fat and feeling ostracized from society, or a marriage or any sense of what is “OK”, is sometimes hard. It’s down to how well a person likes and feels OK about themselves.  As well adjusted as I like to think I am… Self image and satisfaction, or hunger… Runs deep.  When the wound is not healed, it’s always surprising at how easy it is to prick it and then have it weep.  

    Huh….  Well, it’s just a bit more work to do on myself I suppose.  The need to understand that being overweight and how I feel about it needs some more acceptance, enough to be willing to change it.

    So, tomorrow is always another stab at level setting this journey.  I have to remember it’s not permanent.  It’s only temporary and I will succeed and reach my weight goal.  I just have a feeling that the emotional ride along the way might be a surprising one.

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