• It’s been a while

    Posted on April 9, 2017 by in Uncategorized

    Consistency and dedication and keeping up.  Concepts that I like to think I’m super good at and spot on and all that.  Then the reality of living kicks in and while I know that I’m 110% dedicated to my goals and what I’m doing, the consistency/keeping up part slips. 

    And I always wonder why.  It’s easy to look around and find that a few weeks, a month or so have gone by and that thing you wanted to keep up on just didn’t happen.  At first I used to be so hard on myself.  Thinking I had no discipline and je nais pas… As I got older, I allowed myself to realize that my day job is super demanding.  Plus, I started to see how my emotional state contributed to my ability to maintain, or keep up with things.  And lastly, biting off more than I could reasonably chew… things just fall out. 

    But that doesn’t mean I can’t pick them up (ok, that’s totally a metaphor), if it falls on the ground, I don’t do the 5 second rule… it just stays there!  And that’s another nifty metaphor.  Sometimes the stuff that falls to the ground, or the wayside truly help to define, or shape what’s really important. 

    I do believe that Life gives us what we can handle, plus about 23% more.  I think it’s the 23% that tests and motivates me.  It’s that much more that allows me to stretch – see what I’m made of. 

    Like my blog… I started this knowing that I decided to try something completely different – a new angle.  I knew that my goal to be a healthier me meant accountability in a way that I just couldn’t sustain, or pull off by myself.  So I stretched it.  I entered into a medical agreement with myself and my program. 

    I can say that that extra 23% has totally expanded and contracted who I am.  From previous posts, I can see that I was literally going out of my mind at some points because of the changes.  I was worried that I was losing my patience and was snappy, irritable.  And it was true, I was less patient, snappy and irritable for a time there.  When I talked with my doc about this, I was surprised to hear her take on some of it. 

    When I was describing my lack of patience with my job/co-workers, she pointed out… maybe it’s not that I was less patient, maybe I just was calling something out that really wasn’t acceptable.  That gave me some food for thought.  I mean, I’ve gone super deep on sorting out just “what I would put up with”… and why.  Luckily, the part of me that aims to “please”, that is relying on getting along and not totally alienating myself in my professional world stayed there.  But, it also allowed me to realize that an aim to please is an expectation that plays havoc with one’s personal emotions. 

    For some people, being diplomatic comes naturally and gracefully.  For others, it’s a learned art.  And I mean an art.  Because I am a “reality driven” person (read that, plastic, hypocritical and surface bullshit shines like a spot light and I find that veneer what some people wear to be a façade, gimcracky even!), I tend to wear what I think of a person right on my face.  I’ve always been like that, but in my professional life, I found it got me too many reports of being not very friendly, or even hostile! 

    I chuckle at that now and will give myself a bit of slack and realize that youth and brash-fullness was definitely in play back then.  But now…

    In today’s world… I find that I want to connect with people and be genuine.  It’s finding that balance of my personal genuinity (is that a word?) doesn’t have to extend to who is in front of me.  As a magickal/spiritual person, I recognize that we all show a part of ourselves depending upon the circle.  I took a nifty little test and found that I tend to show who I am fairly consistently, meaning regardless of what set of folks I’m hanging with, I don’t deviate much in displaying who I am.  I’ve just learned to look out and not project so much and to just be curious about what’s coming back at me.  See what people are showing me a little clearer and with less judgement.  

    It’s refreshing actually.  I may not agree with what I’m receiving, but my inner censorship evaluates whether or not communicating that at the moment, or in the moment stays firm, but doesn’t have a need to be expressed.

    A long way to say that I’ve realized that I’m not impatient, but I’m less apt to be judgy and to observe without being influenced.

    And that brings me back to consistency.  If anything this journey of 2 months has shown me… slow and steady – self evaluation and a healthy sense of curiosity has opened up a new window of how I address things, how I feel about things and cope.

    And, while I haven’t written as much as I would have liked… I’m very much still on my plan and my goal will be actualized within the year.  And that makes me super happy.

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